WHAT CUBANS HAVEN'T LOST
by Agustin Blazquez with the collaboration of Jaums Sutton
When my parents went to visit Cuba in 1979 after 12 years in exile, they found a decaying country. The scarcity of water, electricity, gas, food, medicine, consumer goods, clothing, housing, transportation (the gasoline was rationed), and of course toilet paper, etc., was worse than when they left.
I have read reports in the US press indicating that prior to the collapse of the Soviet Union, Cubans lived in a sort of "golden era." They portrayed the current shortages and hardships as an occurrence exacerbated by their Soviet benefactor's demise. Generally,they put the blame on the US embargo. However, during my parents' 1979 visit, they didn't witness a "golden era," but a steady physical and economic decline of conditions since they had left.
During the Soviet Era the Cuban economy was being subsidized by the Soviets to the tune of$5-6 billion a year. Where did that money go? Why wasn't it invested in the repair and maintenance of the existing infrastructure, housing, importing much needed food, medicines and medical supplies?
Now we know that those billions were used to build up Cuba's huge military power, in military adventures abroad, to finance and armed guerrilla groups all over Latin America and other countries, for surveillance and mass control of the Cuban people, for propaganda, for Castro's whims and to keep a privileged ruling elite happy and loyal to the Maximum Leader. Those billions in Soviet subsidies did not improve the Cuban people's way of life. As a matter of fact, it steadily declined.
During my parents' visit they discovered that there was something that hadn't changed, despite the daily struggle to survive: The sense of humor! They noticed that for everything that went wrong or that they didn't have, they laughed and made a joke of it. When my mother opened her sister's refrigerator, the only thing she found was a small cap-less plastic bottle of water. Her sister said, "we now call refrigerators 'coconuts,' because the only thing you find inside is water."
"We call a steak Jesus Christ. My mother asked why. Her sister replied, "Because everybody talks about it, but nobody has seen one."
There were jokes for everything and are very revealing of the way Cubans think. Here are some of them:
"A chicken and an egg escaped from a government farm. A horde of hungry Cubans were chasing them through Havana's streets. They managed to evade the crowd by ducking into a storm drain. After the crowd passed, they peeked out and noticed a steak strolling down the street. The chicken called out, "Hey, Mr. Steak, there's a hungry horde running around! Come down here with us where you'll be safe!" And the steak replied, I have nothing to worry about. No one around here recognizes me any more!"
"When Aunt Fefa boarded the plane to leave Cuba, she dropped her dentures. A customs officer said, Look comrade, you dropped your dentures! Aunt Fefa replied, It doesn't matter, sonny. Those are for eating garbage! The ones for eating meat are waiting for me in the US!"
"As General del Pino was defecting from Cuba, the crew of the plane next to him shouted, General, don't go! Now we are going to build Socialism! And General del Pino replied, Yes, yes, I know . . ., I'm just going to get the materials!"
"A woman was in church praying to the Virgin Mary to illuminate Fidel so that he wouldn't make the people suffer so much. Just then, a drunk hears her and says, Lady, not 'i-lu-mi-nate,' elem-i-mate. Eliminate!"
"Fidel goes out for a stroll in the country and falls into a deep well. He starts yelling until a farmer hears him and approaches the well. Please help me, says Fidel, I'm badly hurt. Badly hurt? respond the farmer, Noooo, the problem is that you are badly buried!"
"A teacher asks her students how long it would take to walk from Cuba to the US if the sea dried up. Some students say 48 hours and others a day and a half. But Pepito raises his hand and says, One year! The teacher is very surprised and asks, Pepito, why do you think it would take so long?! Pepito responded, Well, it would take at least a year to squeeze through a crowd that size!"
"Superman pays a visit to Cuba, but as he is trying to leave, he discovers he can't fly no matter how hard he tries. Very worried, he looks to see if there is any Kryptonite around, and he discovers the reason he can't fly: There are too many Cubans hanging on to his cape trying to leave with him!"
"In the classroom the teacher asks the students to think about what the man of the future will be like. Pepito gets up an announces, The man of the year 2000 will have big ears to listen to Fidel's speeches, four hands to work like a dog, and no mouth so he doesn't have to eat!"
"A mother and daughter are eating in a Havana restaurant in the year 2000 and are reminiscing about how life used to be. The daughter says, Mama, remember when we used to eat powdered eggs? And the mother nods her head with envy in her eyes. And do you remember when we used to eat that wonderful chicken bone soup? Again the mother nods yes. And do you remember . . .? Then the mother interrupts her daughter and says, Please, stop talking about the good old days and finish your lizard legs before they get cold."
"After Fidel Castro dies, a search begins for a proper burial place, but no one can agree where that should be. The teacher decided to pick Pepito's brain and he replies, Bury him anywhere in the world, except Jerusalem. The surprised teacher inquired, Why not in Jerusalem?! And Pepito said, To make sure he doesn't resurrect after three days."
In spite of many years of a brutal totalitarian regime, the Cubans haven't lost their sense of humor. Jokes continue to circulate through the Cuban underground, by being repeated privately from person to person, since no one can openly criticize or make fun of their ruler. It's a way to escape their tragedy. They rather laugh than cry at their reality. That's the best they can do.
___________________________________________________________________________
Agustin Blazquez, Producer/Director of documentary series COVERING CUBA
© ABIP 1997
COVERING CUBA's direct message to the US media:
"TO GAZE IDLY AT A CRIME IS TO COMMIT IT." Jose Marti. to edit.
WEATHER FORECAST FOR CUBA
by Agustin Blazquez with the collaboration of Jaums Sutton
The Cuban sense of humor has a long history and, fortunately, a strong foundation. It's usual purpose used to be simply to have fun, but over the last 38 years it has taken on a much more important role: escape.
Although the daily horrors of living in Cuba make daily life nearly impossible to take, the human spirit is strong, creative and resilient. Humor steps in to lend a helping hand and provide an escape valve.
Recently, I was shown a letter from Cuba. In it, a peculiar weather report. Anonymous in origin (the author knows the laws of survival under Castro), it circulated throughout the island by word of mouth.
Who knows how many improvements were added along the way by the creative and enterprising Cubans before a lady decided to put it in writing and send it abroad.
It is very revealing of the way people reflect on the regime that has ruined their country and their lives and even created an apartheid society where the common man is at the bottom of the scale and the communist elite and the foreigners are at the top.
Apparently, this "weather forecast" is what they foresee for their future. And because it is part of the Cuban popular (underground) culture, it therefore must be considered folklore.
Oh, perhaps you should fasten your seat belt.
Weather Forecast for Cuba
Hunger reigns from the eastern province of Pinar del Rio to the western provinces of Oriente. There will be prolonged water-with-sugar downpours with hailstorms of green bananas.
The satellite picture shows scattered (very carefully scattered) filet mignon for the tourists at their luxury hotels and the communist elite wherever they care to be all over the island.
There will be strong hunger winds, fainting spells and constipation owing to the pervasive green banana puree and the lack of cooking oil.
Due to a long lasting jet stream of red beans, breaking winds will resound all night long from north to south as well as from east to west forming a ghastly, dense formation of sulfurous clouds, creating a concentric ring around Cuba, just like Saturn.
Because of the contaminated waters and soybeans that are ravaging us, there will be gigantic waves of excrement on all seashores. But eventually the waters of the Florida straits will become calm and clear and everybody can flee.
Tomorrow's forecast calls for condensed milk to be distributed to all citizens over 99 years of age as long as they line up with their parents.
The long range forecast calls for little change, causing conditions to become even more critical as time goes on.
The maximum changes will range between drinking water mixed with "Cerelae" (a white powder, that, according to authorities, has the same nutritional value of milk and is distributed only to citizens older than 65 and children from 7 to 13--of course, none of us has the right to drink any kind of actual milk), or a shot in the head. The minimum changes will range between sucking your thumb and licking your ass.
The predominant electricity outages will be all over the island.
This concludes the weather forecast for 1997. Have a nice day.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Agustin Blazquez, Producer/Director of the documentary series COVERING CUBA
© ABIP 1997
by Agustin Blazquez with the collaboration of Jaums Sutton
When my parents went to visit Cuba in 1979 after 12 years in exile, they found a decaying country. The scarcity of water, electricity, gas, food, medicine, consumer goods, clothing, housing, transportation (the gasoline was rationed), and of course toilet paper, etc., was worse than when they left.
I have read reports in the US press indicating that prior to the collapse of the Soviet Union, Cubans lived in a sort of "golden era." They portrayed the current shortages and hardships as an occurrence exacerbated by their Soviet benefactor's demise. Generally,they put the blame on the US embargo. However, during my parents' 1979 visit, they didn't witness a "golden era," but a steady physical and economic decline of conditions since they had left.
During the Soviet Era the Cuban economy was being subsidized by the Soviets to the tune of$5-6 billion a year. Where did that money go? Why wasn't it invested in the repair and maintenance of the existing infrastructure, housing, importing much needed food, medicines and medical supplies?
Now we know that those billions were used to build up Cuba's huge military power, in military adventures abroad, to finance and armed guerrilla groups all over Latin America and other countries, for surveillance and mass control of the Cuban people, for propaganda, for Castro's whims and to keep a privileged ruling elite happy and loyal to the Maximum Leader. Those billions in Soviet subsidies did not improve the Cuban people's way of life. As a matter of fact, it steadily declined.
During my parents' visit they discovered that there was something that hadn't changed, despite the daily struggle to survive: The sense of humor! They noticed that for everything that went wrong or that they didn't have, they laughed and made a joke of it. When my mother opened her sister's refrigerator, the only thing she found was a small cap-less plastic bottle of water. Her sister said, "we now call refrigerators 'coconuts,' because the only thing you find inside is water."
"We call a steak Jesus Christ. My mother asked why. Her sister replied, "Because everybody talks about it, but nobody has seen one."
There were jokes for everything and are very revealing of the way Cubans think. Here are some of them:
"A chicken and an egg escaped from a government farm. A horde of hungry Cubans were chasing them through Havana's streets. They managed to evade the crowd by ducking into a storm drain. After the crowd passed, they peeked out and noticed a steak strolling down the street. The chicken called out, "Hey, Mr. Steak, there's a hungry horde running around! Come down here with us where you'll be safe!" And the steak replied, I have nothing to worry about. No one around here recognizes me any more!"
"When Aunt Fefa boarded the plane to leave Cuba, she dropped her dentures. A customs officer said, Look comrade, you dropped your dentures! Aunt Fefa replied, It doesn't matter, sonny. Those are for eating garbage! The ones for eating meat are waiting for me in the US!"
"As General del Pino was defecting from Cuba, the crew of the plane next to him shouted, General, don't go! Now we are going to build Socialism! And General del Pino replied, Yes, yes, I know . . ., I'm just going to get the materials!"
"A woman was in church praying to the Virgin Mary to illuminate Fidel so that he wouldn't make the people suffer so much. Just then, a drunk hears her and says, Lady, not 'i-lu-mi-nate,' elem-i-mate. Eliminate!"
"Fidel goes out for a stroll in the country and falls into a deep well. He starts yelling until a farmer hears him and approaches the well. Please help me, says Fidel, I'm badly hurt. Badly hurt? respond the farmer, Noooo, the problem is that you are badly buried!"
"A teacher asks her students how long it would take to walk from Cuba to the US if the sea dried up. Some students say 48 hours and others a day and a half. But Pepito raises his hand and says, One year! The teacher is very surprised and asks, Pepito, why do you think it would take so long?! Pepito responded, Well, it would take at least a year to squeeze through a crowd that size!"
"Superman pays a visit to Cuba, but as he is trying to leave, he discovers he can't fly no matter how hard he tries. Very worried, he looks to see if there is any Kryptonite around, and he discovers the reason he can't fly: There are too many Cubans hanging on to his cape trying to leave with him!"
"In the classroom the teacher asks the students to think about what the man of the future will be like. Pepito gets up an announces, The man of the year 2000 will have big ears to listen to Fidel's speeches, four hands to work like a dog, and no mouth so he doesn't have to eat!"
"A mother and daughter are eating in a Havana restaurant in the year 2000 and are reminiscing about how life used to be. The daughter says, Mama, remember when we used to eat powdered eggs? And the mother nods her head with envy in her eyes. And do you remember when we used to eat that wonderful chicken bone soup? Again the mother nods yes. And do you remember . . .? Then the mother interrupts her daughter and says, Please, stop talking about the good old days and finish your lizard legs before they get cold."
"After Fidel Castro dies, a search begins for a proper burial place, but no one can agree where that should be. The teacher decided to pick Pepito's brain and he replies, Bury him anywhere in the world, except Jerusalem. The surprised teacher inquired, Why not in Jerusalem?! And Pepito said, To make sure he doesn't resurrect after three days."
In spite of many years of a brutal totalitarian regime, the Cubans haven't lost their sense of humor. Jokes continue to circulate through the Cuban underground, by being repeated privately from person to person, since no one can openly criticize or make fun of their ruler. It's a way to escape their tragedy. They rather laugh than cry at their reality. That's the best they can do.
___________________________________________________________________________
Agustin Blazquez, Producer/Director of documentary series COVERING CUBA
© ABIP 1997
COVERING CUBA's direct message to the US media:
"TO GAZE IDLY AT A CRIME IS TO COMMIT IT." Jose Marti. to edit.
WEATHER FORECAST FOR CUBA
by Agustin Blazquez with the collaboration of Jaums Sutton
The Cuban sense of humor has a long history and, fortunately, a strong foundation. It's usual purpose used to be simply to have fun, but over the last 38 years it has taken on a much more important role: escape.
Although the daily horrors of living in Cuba make daily life nearly impossible to take, the human spirit is strong, creative and resilient. Humor steps in to lend a helping hand and provide an escape valve.
Recently, I was shown a letter from Cuba. In it, a peculiar weather report. Anonymous in origin (the author knows the laws of survival under Castro), it circulated throughout the island by word of mouth.
Who knows how many improvements were added along the way by the creative and enterprising Cubans before a lady decided to put it in writing and send it abroad.
It is very revealing of the way people reflect on the regime that has ruined their country and their lives and even created an apartheid society where the common man is at the bottom of the scale and the communist elite and the foreigners are at the top.
Apparently, this "weather forecast" is what they foresee for their future. And because it is part of the Cuban popular (underground) culture, it therefore must be considered folklore.
Oh, perhaps you should fasten your seat belt.
Weather Forecast for Cuba
Hunger reigns from the eastern province of Pinar del Rio to the western provinces of Oriente. There will be prolonged water-with-sugar downpours with hailstorms of green bananas.
The satellite picture shows scattered (very carefully scattered) filet mignon for the tourists at their luxury hotels and the communist elite wherever they care to be all over the island.
There will be strong hunger winds, fainting spells and constipation owing to the pervasive green banana puree and the lack of cooking oil.
Due to a long lasting jet stream of red beans, breaking winds will resound all night long from north to south as well as from east to west forming a ghastly, dense formation of sulfurous clouds, creating a concentric ring around Cuba, just like Saturn.
Because of the contaminated waters and soybeans that are ravaging us, there will be gigantic waves of excrement on all seashores. But eventually the waters of the Florida straits will become calm and clear and everybody can flee.
Tomorrow's forecast calls for condensed milk to be distributed to all citizens over 99 years of age as long as they line up with their parents.
The long range forecast calls for little change, causing conditions to become even more critical as time goes on.
The maximum changes will range between drinking water mixed with "Cerelae" (a white powder, that, according to authorities, has the same nutritional value of milk and is distributed only to citizens older than 65 and children from 7 to 13--of course, none of us has the right to drink any kind of actual milk), or a shot in the head. The minimum changes will range between sucking your thumb and licking your ass.
The predominant electricity outages will be all over the island.
This concludes the weather forecast for 1997. Have a nice day.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Agustin Blazquez, Producer/Director of the documentary series COVERING CUBA
© ABIP 1997